The Akatsuki Alphabet
by AngelWingsAndSatansPitchfork
Summary: Ever wondered what the Akatsuki do when they're not on missions? Twenty six different tales in alphabet form to tell you how they pass the time and raise extra cash.
1. A is for Aphrodisiac

**A is for aphrodisiac**

"What's this Zetsu-san?" Tobi asked and held up a little brown bottle he found in the medical room.

Zetsu's black half smirked. **"That's used if Tobi wants someone to like him!" **he replied.

"Can Tobi borrow it, Zetsu-san?" Tobi asked politely. Zetsu nodded and Tobi left the room with a smile beneath his mask.

He read the label on the bottle carefully. After all, he wanted everyone to like him, not hate him for poisoning them.

"Aphrodisiac!" he read aloud. He wasn't sure what it means but thankfully Zetsu was kind enough to tell him.

* * *

Tobi poured a few drops into Leader-sama and Konan's soup before giving it to them. They were his test subjects. He hid around the doorframe and peeked his head around to see watch would happen.

They both slurped their soup while discussing missions and other stuff. Tobi started to doubt this aphrodisiac thing wasn't working.

That was until they did something very strange indeed.

Tobi cringed at what Leader-sama suddenly wanted for dessert. He was sure Konan wasn't on the menu......

He turned and ran when he saw where their hands were going...... and what they were taking off.

Tobi wanted to protect his innocence. After all, he is a good boy.

* * *

Tobi came to the conclusion this aphrodisiac thing doesn't work when there's a man and a woman, a boy and a girl. So he decided to move on to Kisame and Itatchi.

He added a few drops to both soups and gave it to them. Yet again, he hid around the corner of the doorframe, his orange mask peeking out.

Itatchi looked at the soup Tobi prepared and pushed it away while Kisame poured it down his throat.

Tobi watched as Kisame flashed Itatchi a seductive grin. "You know what I have in common with sharks?" he asked and leaned closer to the Uchihia.

Itatchi looked at him. Kisame smirked. "We both have two p-"

Tobi covered his ears and ran off again. At this rate, he'll have no innocence left and he'll become....... a bad boy. Tobi gasped at the thought.

Maybe one last try......

* * *

This time, Tobi thought it out really well. He'll only give the soup to one person and he'll sit next to him. That way, it should work and his sempai will finally want to be his friend.

Tobi went to add a few drops of the aphrodisiac to Deidara's soup but accidentally used the whole bottle. Well, the more there is, the better it'll work.

He gave him the soup and he sat down next to him as Deidara started slurping it down. Tobi waited patiently for it to take affect.

Deidara smiled at Tobi who was glad his potion finally worked.

"Has Tobi being a good boy, yeah?" Deidara asked and Tobi nodded. "Well Deidara has being a very bad boy and needs Tobi to punish him, un!"

A bright red blush would be visible on Tobi's face if it wasn't for the mask. "B-but sempai....... Tobi is a straight boy!"

A smirk appeared on Deidara's face. "Everyone experiments now and again, un! So how about? Let's bang!"

Hours later, the aphrodisiac wore off. Tobi managed to hide from Deidara in the closet next to the fire extinguisher, Itatchi managed to ignore Kisame's perverted comments and Pein and Konan weren't seen till the next morning.

Everyone agreed this incident is top secret and should not be discussed. Ever.


	2. B is for Bassinet

**B is for Bassinet**

"What the f*% is this piece of shit?" Hidan asked and gestured to the pink, frilly object in the Akatsuki hideout's attic.

Funds were running low in the Akatsuki lately. They weren't collecting as much bounty and their missions haven't being paying well enough. Leader-sama had to call an emergency meeting before they went bankrupt.

Luckily for them, the idea to sell some junk they had lying around in the attic was brought up. Thus resulting a willing Kakuzu, a pissed Hidan, a curious Deidara and happy-go-lucky Tobi being sent to the attic to investigate.

"It's a bassinet!" Kakuzu informed his partner and examined it carefully. "This isn't worth much but it's better than nothing....." he sighed.

"Why do we have a bassinet, un?" Deidara asked.

"And why the F*% is it pink?" Hidan asked and stared horrified at it.

"It must've being Konan's when she was a baby!" Kakuzu told them and examined a gold candlestick he found.

"Deidara-sempai? Where do babies come from?" Tobi asked innocently.

Kakuzu dropped the candlestick. Hidan swore. Deidara's jaw dropped. I think it was safe to say no one was expecting that.

Several awkward minutes of silence passed.

"You don't know? Seriously?" Hidan asked. Tobi shook his head. "Well Deidara-sempai? Where do babies come from?" Hidan smirked at him.

"Well.....uh.....er......ask Kakuzu, yeah!" Deidara stammered and pointed at the masked member.

"Hidan?" he asked his partner.

"What? Why the f*% do I have tell him?" he asked.

"Because I f*%ing told you so!" Kakuzu yelled back.

Tobi walked over to the Jashinist. "Where do babies come from Hidan-san?"

Hidan stared at him before sighing. "You see, sometimes a man gets so hard, he wants to f*% a woman so he shoves his dick up her-"

Deidara covered Tobi's ears. "The stork brings the Mammy and the Daddy a baby when they want one, yeah!" Deidara lied.

"Really sempai?" Tobi asked and began to wonder about the bird. "Is that why sempai makes so many birdies? He wants one to bring him back a baby?"

Deidara's eyes widened. Kakuzu smirked as Hidan laughed.

Tobi clasped his hands together. "Can Tobi be the Daddy, sempai? Please? Tobi would be a good daddy!"

Hidan laughed harder.

"NO!" Deidara yelled.

"Why not? Is there already a daddy?" Tobi asked disappointed.

Deidara panicked. "Hidan-san is the Daddy!"

Hidan stopped laughing. "What the f*%?"

"Congratulations Hidan-san!" Tobi said and embraced him in a hug.

"Get the f*% off me!" he said and shoved the masked man.

"And Kakuzu gets to be an Aunty!" Tobi exclaimed and hugged him aswell.

"Tobi? That's not-" he started to explain but Tobi didn't listen.

"Can Tobi be the Godfather, Deidara-sempai? Please? Tobi would be a good Godfather!" Tobi begged.

"Er...... yeah?" Deidara said.

"Deidara! What the f*%?" Hidan yelled.

"I don't know! This is all so weird!" the blonde yelled.

"How about Tobi can be the Godfather if he keeps it a secret and gives me his piggy bank?" Kakuzu asked him.

Tobi clapped. "Thank you Kakuzu-san! You'll be a good Aunty and Tobi will be a good Godfather!" he said and skipped out of the attic.

The three stared at the door.

"What the f*% just happened?" Hidan asked.

"You and Deidara just got hitched and you got him pregnant! Congratulations!" Kakuzu joked.

"F*%ing hell......" Hidan said and slapped his forehead.

* * *

Later that night, the whole of Akatsuki was gathered around the dining table for their dinner. Tobi stood up and hit his glass with his fork. "Tobi wants to make a toast! Tobi wants to make a toast!" Everyone looked at him curiously.

"To Hidan-san and Deidara-sempai and their new baby! And to Aunty Kakuzu and Godfather Tobi! Have many happy and good years!" Tobi finished and drank his apple juice.

Kisame choked on his food.

Itatchi eye's widened slightly before plastering his emotionless mask on again.

Zetsu argued with himself over whether it was true.

Konan looked like she was going to throw up.

Leader-sama stared.

Kakuzu froze.

Hidan swore.

Deidara spat out his water.

Tobi smiled.

Once everything was explained and Tobi got a lesson he'll never forget, this was incident was classified as top secret and must not be discussed. Ever.


	3. C is for Contest

**C is for Contest**

"Tobi has a good idea, Leader-sama!" Tobi told Pein during an Akatsuki meeting.

Our favourite group of S-ranked criminals (plus Tobi) have been running low on funds lately so Pein has called an emergency meeting, looking for ideas on how to earn some big money.

"Tobi thinks we should enter this film contest!" he said and held up a huge yellow poster. "It has a cash prize! See Leader-sama?" He pointed to the three ryo signs in the middle of the poster.

Pein thought about it and sighed. "Since no other ideas were raised, this will have to do....."

"Can Tobi write the script, Leader-sama?" Tobi asked politely.

Pein sighed. "Fine but do a good job or it'll be your head!"

Tobi gulped. "Yes Leader-sama. Tobi will to a very good job!"

Pein dismissed the meeting. The other Akatsuki members left muttering complaints. The occasional swear was heard from Hidan as Konan decided this would be her 'big break'.

Tobi skipped off into his room to begin writing the storyline. He already had a good idea. A very good idea.

* * *

"Tobi's finished! Tobi's finished!" Tobi called and held several copies of the script.

"Yay!" Deidara said sarcastically as Tobi passed out all the scripts so there was only one left from him.

"Tobi thinks Leader-sama should direct and Itatchi-san is the camera man!" Tobi told them.

Pein nodded said "Hn!"

Tobi smiled beneath his mask as he watched everyone read over his script with horrified faces. "Did Tobi do a good job?" he asked.

"What the f*ck is this shit?" Hidan asked and threw the script onto the coffee table.

"You can't expect us to take this seriously, un! It's written in blue crayon!" Deidara complained.

"We don't have time to write another script. Let's just start rehearsing so we can film and get it over with!" Pein commanded them.

Moans and groans were heard around the room. Tobi on the other hand, couldn't wait to begin.

* * *

The Akatsuki members all gathered around the TV to see if their movie took first prize.

"And the winner is....... Tobi! Congratulations!" the host announced.

"YAAAAY! Tobi won! Tobi won! Tobi is a good boy! Yay!" Tobi cheered and hugged Deidara. For once, he hugged back.

The other members shook hands and patted backs over their victory. After all, it was a huge cash prize. They'll be out of dept and into the bank with a huge cheque.

"Now here is the winning video!" the host said and everyone diverted their attention to the video on screen.

* * *

"ACTION!" Pein's voice is heard.

Konan in a poofy blue dress appeared on screen. She was brushing out Deidara's hair. He sat on a stool in Konan's room with his arms crossed and a sour look on his face. Most likely because of the purple poofy dress he was wearing.

Suddenly Kakuzu burst in the door with a top hat, a staff and a cape aswell as his mask and regular clothes, minus the cloak. Konan put on an obviously fake shocked expression as Deidara just glared.

"It's Moneybags McStitcherson!" they said. Konan was over-dramatic and Deidara just said it flatly.

"It is I! Moneybags McStitcherson and I'm here to kidnap Princess Gumdrop!" Kakuzu said and pointed his staff at Deidara.

"I'd rather you killed me, un....." he mumbled under his breath.

"Stick to the script!" Pein called.

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Oh Gosh! I'm doomed, un!" he said sarcastically.

Konan jumped in front of him. "Not if I'm here to stop him!" she said dramatically.

"Then so be it!" Kakuzu announced and pulled out a plastic knife. He poked her in the stomach with it.

Konan fell to the ground with a fake cry of pain.

"Oh no. She's dead, un!" Deidara said flatly.

Kakuzu pulled Deidara by the arm out of the room.

The video skipped to next scene.

They were now in the forest outside the Akatsuki hideout. Zetsu stood in the middle of the screen with a branch in each hand and a sheet of paper stuck to his chest with the word 'tree' written on it.

Kakuzu and Deidara came on screen and stood on the right. Kakuzu pulled out his plastic knife. "Prepare to die!" he announced.

"Just do it quickly!" Deidara said.

"Stick to the script!" Pein hissed.

"Oh gosh. Will someone help this....ugh..... 'damsel in distress', un!" Deidara said sarcastically.

Then, Tobi ran into view with an orange towel tied around his neck to look like a cape. "Have no fear! Super Tobi is here!" he announced and placed his hands on his hips.

Kisame walked in behind him in a pair of swimming trunks, flippers and a snorkel. "And I'm his sidekick......" he began and forced out the rest. "Fish sticks!"

"We're here to save Princess Gumdrop!" Tobi said, drew a plastic fork and pointed it at Kakuzu. Kisame just held a plastic spoon.

"You'll never do it or my name isn't Moneybags McStitcherson!" Kakuzu said and pointed his plastic knife and Tobi.

They then began hitting each other's 'weapons' while Kisame waved his plastic spoon above his head and Deidara argued silently with someone off set.

"Ah ha!" Tobi announced when Kakuzu threw his plastic knife behind him, hitting Deidara in the face. "You're dead now!" Tobi said and poked Kakuzu's chest with the fork.

He lay down on the ground and Kisame walked over. "He's dead!" he said and dragged him off the screen.

"Excellent work Fish sticks!" Tobi told him and walked towards Deidara. "Now to bring you home Princess Gumdrop!" Tobi said and pulled Deidara off screen.

It skipped to the scene.

This time the hideout's living room appeared. Deidara sat with his arms folded in the armchair. Tobi was knelt down on one knee and faced the left side of the screen.

Hidan stomped in pink tights, a tutu, fake fairy wings and a plastic wand.

Deidara smirked and stood up. "Twinkledust the rainbow fairy queen has arrived, un!" he announced cheerfully.

Hidan glared at him. "With a kiss kiss here and a kiss kiss there, here a kiss Oh F*ck this!" he said and snapped the wand before stomping off screen.

Tobi stood up and took Deidara's hand. "Super Tobi would like a kiss on the cheek for appreciation!" Tobi asked.

Deidara's jaw dropped. "But that's not in the script, un!" he complained.

"But Tobi thinks it's a good addition to the story!" Tobi told him.

"Leader-sama!" Deidara whined and looked off set.

"Just go with it!" Pein said.

Deidara had a pained expression on his face before he kissed Tobi's mask. He then stuck out his tongue in disgust.

Tobi faced the camera. "Super Tobi saves the day again!" he announced.

"Cut! That's a wrap!" Pein announced and the screen faded to black.

* * *

Somewhere, in a secret base far away, Orochimaru and Kabuto were doubled over laughing at what they just watched on TV.

"And you wonder why I quit the Akatsuki!" Orochimaru told him.

* * *

After that video, Kisame still gets called fish sticks, Itatchi developed a new love for cameras, Kakuzu carries a staff with him, Hidan prays to Jashin more often so he'll never have to wear tights again, Konan's ego increased, Tobi wears his towel-cape under his cloak and Deidara is now more easily mistaken with a girl. Pein couldn't care less about all of this as long as there's money in the bank.

I think it's safe to say, life as an Akatsuki member doesn't get any better than that.


	4. D is for Dollhouse

**D is for Dollhouse**

"Deidara- senpai! Deidara-senpai! Look what Tobi got!" Tobi yelled and ran into the living room where Deidara, Hidan and Kisame were currently watching TV. Or at least, arguing over what to watch.

Tobi carefully set down his new dollhouse in the middle of the room. "See senpai?" he asked.

Deidara glanced at it. "Why have you got a dollhouse, un?" he asked him.

"Tobi bought it off eBay!" he said and smiled beneath his mask. "Does sempai want a tour?" he asked and tilted his head.

"No." Deidara said and stared back at the TV screen. It seems Kisame got his way and they're watching Jaws.

Tobi decided to give him a tour anyway. "This is the hallway and this is the kitchen and this is the living room and this is the bedroom and this is the bathroom and this is-"

"Shut the f*ck up!" Hidan yelled.

"We're getting to the good part!" Kisame added as the theme tune began to play.

Tobi pretended to zip up his mouth over the mask and examined his new toy. He couldn't help but think something was missing......

He snapped his fingers. "Tobi needs dolls!" he announced, causing the three members to turn around and give him a look.

Tobi ignored them again and skipped off to the other rooms in the hideout.

* * *

It was one of those rare times where the whole of the Akatsuki could gather in the living room and watch TV without excessive noise and arguments.

"Look what Tobi got!" Tobi yelled and ran into the room, clutching a brown paper bag. It seems it didn't last long.

Everyone looked at him curiously. "What's in the bag, un?" Deidara asked.

"How much did it cost?" Kakuzu asked.

"Don't worry Kakuzu-san! Tobi got it all for free!" he assured him and sat next to his dollhouse. "Who wants to see Tobi's dolls?" he asked. Everyone looked at the TV screen. "They're us!" he added. Everyone looked back at Tobi, suddenly interested.

"This one is Tobi......" he said and pulled out an orange lollipop with a miniture Akatsuki cloak tied around the stick.

".....This is Deidara-senpai......" He pulled out a Barbie dressed in an Akatsuki cloak and tossed it to Deidara.

Deidara grumbled and waved it around.

"......This is Kisame-san......." He pulled out a toy shark with an Akatsuki cloak and handed it to him.

Kisame squeezed it and it squeaked. He didn't know what to think.

"......This is Kakuzu-san......" He pulled out a rag doll and threw it to him.

Kakuzu examined it and planned to sell it later.

"......This is Itatchi-san......" he pulled out a Sasuke plushie and gave it to him.

Itatchi sighed and clutched it in his fist.

".......This is Hidan-san......." he pulled out a Grim reaper figurine and flicked it over to him.

Hidan grinned and nodded.

".......This is Zetsu-san....." he said and placed a cactus on the ground.

Zetsu's white half was pleased. His black half wasn't.

".......And this is Konan-san and Leader-sama!" Tobi finished and showed them his drawing of them holding hands. Well, two stick figures with appropriate hair colours holding hands. "Tobi couldn't find dolls that reminded him of you so he drew a picture!"

"It's very artistic!" Pein commented.

Deidara stood up and threw the Barbie at Tobi. "I am NOT a girl and _that-" _he pointed at the

sheet of paper. "is NOT art!" he yelled and stormed out of the room.

"What's his problem?" Kisame asked.

"I say he's PMSing!" Hidan said and turned back towards the TV.

Nothing more was said and everyone followed suit.

* * *

"I'll save you senpai!" Tobi said and moved the lollipop over to the Barbie. "Hurry Tobi! He might eat me!" Tobi made the Barbie or 'Deidara' jump up and down a little. "Rawr! I eat you!" He pushed the cactus or 'Zetsu' closer to the Barbie. He then made the lollipop knock over the cactus. "You saved me Tobi!" He shook the Barbie. "Yay!" He shook both Barbie and lollipop.

"Oh Tobi~!" Deidara called from behind him, holding something behind his back.

Tobi turned around. "Deidara-senpai? Do you want to play?" he asked hopefully.

"Pfft! No!" Deidara said and Tobi looked down. "I made a clay bird you could use as a pet, un!" he said and held it out.

Tobi's eyes lit up. "Thank you senpai!" he said and shoved it into the attic. He took a step back and stood next to his senpai. "It looks happy in the attic!"

Deidara smirked, performed a hand sign and the clay bird exploded, destroying the dollhouse.

Tobi gasped. "Deidara-senpai? Why?" he asked sadly and began picking up some of the pieces.

"What the f*ck happened here?" Hidan asked as him and Kakuzu walked into the room to investigate the loud bang.

"Deidara-senpai blew up Tobi's dollhouse!" Tobi said sadly and sat next to the remains.

"I'm not buying another one!" Kakuzu informed him.

"This isn't f*cking funny!" Hidan announced and picked up the head and body of the grim reaper figurine.

"What has Deidara exploded now?" Pein asked as he entered the room, the other members closely behind.

"Tobi's dollhouse!" Kakuzu replied and pointed at Tobi, who was now hugging his knees.

Pein looked at the sad member. "Deidara. Apologise to Tobi and make him a new dollhouse!"

"What? Why?" Deidara protested.

"We don't need you all hating each other more than you already do now just do it before I cause

you some unnecessary pain!" he replied.

Deidara sighed. "I'm sorry Tobi....."

Tobi stood up and hugged him. "Tobi forgives you, Deidara-senpai!"

"Yeah yeah yeah now get off me!" he said and shoved his partner.

Months later, Deidara gave Tobi a new dollhouse. His hard work went to waste though. Tobi no longer liked dollhouses. He moved onto jack-in-the-boxes instead.

This time, no one complained when Deidara blew up Tobi's toys. Listening to 'pop goes the weasel' twenty times a day is not something they enjoy. Ever.


	5. E is for Envelope

Tobi sat at the kitchen table, kicking his legs back and forth as he licked the envelope shut.

"What's that, un?" Deidara asked him before taking a swig of orange juice from the carton.

"It's a secret!" Tobi stated. "Does senpai want Tobi to tell him?"

"No! I don't want to know you little secret!" Deidara said and rolled his eyes.

"Are you sure, senpai?" Tobi asked and stood up.

"I'm sure, yeah!" Deidara replied, feeling a little curious.

"Once Tobi walks out this door, he's not going to tell anyone!" he said and stood next to the door.

Deidara started to feel more curious but he shook it off. "No, I don't Tobi!"

"If you say so~" Tobi sang and skipped off somewhere.

Deidara stared at the door, his curiosity growing. He put the carton he was holding on the table before walking out the door. He was suddenly very determined to find out what was inside that envelope.

* * *

Tobi sat on the couch with his precious envelope clutched tightly to his chest as he watched the TV through his eye hole.

Deidara sat on the arm chair, observing him and the envelope, the only thing that was on his mind since he seen Tobi with it that morning.

"What's in the envelope?" Hidan asked he plopped onto to the couch next to Tobi, a bottle of sake in his hand.

"It's a secret!" Tobi stated, before standing up and running off, Deidara's eyes following the envelope the whole time.

Hidan looked at the blonde. "I need to know what's in that envelope!" Deidara said and glared at the doorframe.

"It's probably just his Christmas letter to Santa!" Hidan said and took a swig of his sake.

Deidara stood. "I'm gonna find out, yeah! If it's the last thing I do! Who's with me?"

"I'm the only f*cking one here!" Hidan pointed out.

Deidara glared at him. "I know that!" he lied. "You were the one I was talking to!"

Hidan shrugged. "Jashin hates Mondays so I've nothing better to do!" he stood up.

Deidara grinned and punched his palm. "Let's do this!"

* * *

Deidara took out two of the blue pills out of the white box before putting it back into the medicine cabinet.

"Dude, you're f*cking obsessed! Seriously!" Hidan commented from the bathroom door.

"It'll be worth it, yeah!" Deidara said and grinned at the Jashinist.

Hidan shook his head and muttered under his breath. "PMSing She-male......"

* * *

Deidara watched with a grin as Tobi took a sip of his hot chocolate he made for him using a 'special ingredient'.

"That was really nice Dei-"

-thud-

Tobi's head hit the table as he fell unconscious.

"Jashin Deidara! Isn't that going too far?" Hidan asked and prodded the masked member in the shoulder.

"Relax! He'll only be out for forty-five minutes, an hour tops, un!" Deidara said and pulled the envelope out from under his partner.

He hastily tore it open and peeked inside, the grin on his face fading. "It's empty!" he stated.

"I followed you around for two f*cking hours for a f*cking envelope and you tell me it's f*cking empty?" Hidan yelled at him.

"I didn't know that!" Deidara yelled at him.

"The f*ck you didn't!"

"New plan!" Deidara announced. Hidan rolled his eyes and began to leave. "We'll take his mask!" he finished. Hidan turned around and grinned. "I like how you think!" he said.

Deidara and Hidan approached the unconscious Tobi and knocked him onto the floor. They flipped him so he was face up and knelt beside him.

"May I do the honours?" Deidara asked and grinned.

"Cut the crap and do it!" Hidan grinned.

Deidara reached towards the mask but stopped mid-air.

"What?" Hidan asked.

"What if there's a reason he wears the mask?" Deidara asked.

Hidan raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"

"What if he is really ugly or mutated or something?" Deidara asked and pulled back his hand.

"We live with Zetsu and Kisame for f*ck sake! Just pull the f*cking mask off!" Hidan yelled.

"Alright! You don't need to yell!" Deidara said and reached for the mask again. He managed to lay his fingers on the orange mask before Tobi shot up and head butted him.

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" he yelled and looked around him. "Deidara-senpai? Are you okay?"

Deidara grumbled as he rubbed his head. Hidan, on the other hand, was laughing at him.

Tobi looked at them both confused before seeing his torn up envelope on the floor. "Tobi's secret!" he cried and picked up the two pieces. "Why senpai?" he asked Deidara.

Deidara glanced towards Hidan who conveniently had somewhere else to be. "I..... thought it was mine, un?" Deidara lied.

Tobi giggled. "Silly senpai!" he said and patted his head. "Tobi forgives you!" he said and hugged him.

"Get off me!" Deidara shoved his partner of off him. "What was your secret anyway?" he asked.

"Tobi's secret is......" he said and leaned into Deidara's ear. "Tobi has no secrets!"

Hours later, when Deidara was finished chasing Tobi around the base for being 'a stupid man-child', the Akatsuki base returned to normal......

Well, as normal as an S-ranked criminal organisation with a walking Venus-fly trap, a shark man, an immortal Jashinist, a miser with five hearts, an almost-blind dango lover, a paper woman, a red head with five other selves, a blonde she-male and a mask wearing man child can get.


	6. F is for Food

Tobi looked at the Akatsuki's chore table to see what his job for the day was. He placed his finger on the first name and slid his finger down to the bottom where his name was written. He then dragged his finger across to find out his job.

"Yay! Tobi gets to make dinner!" he yelled excitedly, even though there no one around to hear him. "Tobi will make sure everyone gets a meal they'll enjoy!" he announced before prancing off to the kitchen.

Tobi skipped through the swinging door and flung open the fridge door and examined the little ingredients he had to work with. He then grabbed the recipe book from a nearby shelf. He blew the dust off the cover before leafing through the pages. Not finding what he was looking for, he tossed the book into the garbage.

"Tobi's going to have to make up his own meal!" he announced and grabbed everything in the fridge before raiding the cupboards and the badly built spice rack. He pulled out a huge pot and set it on the stove. He then surveyed his ingredients again.

"Hmmm......" he said and picked up an egg. "Tobi will make chicken...... but...... how does the chicken get out off the egg?" he tilted his head and tried to remember back to when he learned about chickens from his papa.

Tobi placed the egg on a nearby chair before sitting on it. Mother hens sat on their eggs to hatch them. Tobi jumped up when he heard a cracking sound. He looked at the yellow goo on the chair. "Tobi killed it!" he yelled and jumped up and down frantically.

Deidara ran into the room. "Tobi killed something?" he asked.

Tobi pointed at the broken egg. "Tobi killed the chicken!"

Deidara glanced at the chair and then back at Tobi. "You broke an egg, baka!"

"But..... but the chicken was inside the egg Deidara-senpai!" Tobi whined.

"There wasn't a chicken in the egg Tobi! Those are eggs used for cooking and junk!" Deidara explained.

"So Tobi didn't kill it?" Tobi asked hopefully.

"No, you just made a mess! Now clean this up and try to cook something edible!" Deidara scowled and walked out of the room.

Tobi, glad he wasn't a cold blooded murderer, wiped up the mess and got back to his ingredients. He picked up the remaining eggs and dropped them into pot, without removing the shells.

Next, he grabbed some flour and sugar. He poured both bags in and threw the empty bags away. Then, he poured the low-fat [and rather lumpy] milk into the pot and disposed of the carton.

He moved on to the vegetables. He reached for a knife but stopped mid-air. His mother doesn't let him use knives. He retracted his arm and thought up an alternative.

Tobi ran out of the room and came back in with one of Deidara's clay birds. He threw the vegetables into the pot before grabbing a lid that he could use. Tobi threw the bird into the saucepan and quickly slammed on the lid, just about managing to keep the explosion inside the pot.

Tobi lifted off the lid and peeked inside. All the vegetables were now cut. Not nice and neat like he had seen in the cartoons but cut none the less.

He then decided to add some spices. He grabbed the salt and pepper first and sprinkled some into the pot. At least, that's what he intended to do. The lid fell off the salt shaker and the white grains poured into the pot. "Ooopsies!" Tobi said and picked up the lid and screwed it back on, hoping no one would know about his mistake. He then grabbed as many spice bottle as he could and sprinkled lots of different ones onto his concoction.

Tobi thought about what he was missing...... "Meat!" he called and ran off to the freezer in the basement.

He reached in and grabbed all that he could carry. He ran back to the kitchen and dropped it all into the pot.

Tobi placed his hands on his hips and complimented himself on a job well done. He then grabbed the handles of the pot and took it off the stove and shoved it into the oven. He turned it up as high as it could go before skipping off to his room for a well deserved rest,

* * *

"Tobi's cooking again!" Deidara informed the occupants of the living room as he returned from the kitchen.

"Hell yeah!" Hidan cheered as Kakuzu grabbed the phone.

"What you guys want?" he said and dialled the number for the local take out place.

"Can't we just eat what Tobi makes for once instead of spending all this money?" Kakuzu complained.

"Unless you want f*cking food poisoning!" Hidan pointed out.

Kakuzu sighed. "Just order the usual for everyone and don't tip!" he warned him.

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" Deidara replied and listed off the orders to the guy on the other end of the phone before hanging up. "I'll be back, un!" he said and walked out of the Akatsuki base.

"The amount of money we go through when it's Tobi's turn to cook......" Kakuzu sighed and rubbed his temples, trying not to think about the drop in the Akatsuki's bank account.

"Who f*cking cares?" Hidan asked. "It's better than eating that f*cking sh*t he calls 'food'!"

Kakuzu sighed. "For once, I'll agree with you......"

* * *

Deidara returned from the restaurant and dropped the orders onto the table. He slipped on the oven gloves before pulling the pot out. He quickly slipped the orders in and tossed the contents of the pot into the garbage.

"Tobi! It's ready!" he called and walked out as Tobi talked in.

"Yay!" he called and turned off the oven. He put on the oven gloves and brought out the contents. He set everything on the table and called everyone to come and eat.

After a few minutes, everyone was seated at the table and had dug in to 'Tobi's meal'.

"Did Tobi do good?" he asked everyone.

Choruses of thanks were heard and Tobi smiled. Everyone loved 'his' cooking best.

Although, he did always wonder why his food came out packaged....


	7. G is for Groceries

_**G is for Groceries**_

Hidan wandered into the kitchen and flung the fridge door open. He peered inside and frowned. "Where the f*ck is all the food?" he yelled.

After Tobi's meal the previous night, food supplies were low in the Akatsuki base. And by low, I mean none at all.

"What the f*ck am I supposed to eat?" Hidan yelled and slammed the door shut. "If there's no f*ckng food, I'm gonna starve to death! I know I'm immortal but still, a guy's got to eat!"

"Quit your whining, Hidan!" Kakuzu scowled as he entered the room. "I'm going grocery shopping now so you'll get your damn food!" he added as he opened the cupboard doors and wrote down wrote down what the base needed on his note pad.

"I'm coming too!" Hidan announced to his partner.

"Why?" Kakuzu asked and glanced at him, before continuing to make a list of items he needs to buy. "Because I want good food for a change!" Hidan exclaimed, causing Kakuzu to stop and listen to his partner. "All we ever f*cking eat is that sh*t you get 'coz it's cheap! I want something that tastes like you didn't find it in a f*cking dumpster!"

Kakuzu put down his notebook. "Are you saying the food tastes bad?" he asked as e slowly turned to face his partner.

Hidan nodded. "It tastes like garbage!

"Kakuzu sighed. "You don't appreciate the finer tastes of the food!" he told him. "The sweetness of getting a bargain! The aroma of spending little money and the delicious scent of a two for one deal!" He closed his eyes and sighed happily. "Heavenly!"

Hidan stared at him. "You're one demented old fag!"

Kakuzu glared. "The point is there is nothing wrong with the food and you're not coming with me!"

"......What if I threatened to tell Leader-sama about how you got your latest wad of cash? He won't be pleased that you-"

"Leader-sama does not need to know about that!" Kakuzu interrupted him. "Does this mean I can go?" Hidan asked as Tobi entered the room.

"Unfortunately!" Kakuzu sighed.

"Hidan-san's going somewhere? Can Tobi come too?" Tobi questioned and started hopping up and down on the spot.

Kakuzu sighed. "If you behave….."

"Tobi will Kakuzu-san! Tobi is a good boy! Please?" Tobi pleaded.

"Fine…."

"Yay! Tobi's going with Hidan-san!" he yelled and happy clapped.

"Where's Tobi going?" Deidara asked as he entered the room. "Hopefully somewhere far, un!"

"Tobi's going……" Tobi began, trailing off at the end when he realised he had no idea where he was going.

"Grocery shopping with yours truly and Grandpa over there!" Hidan informed them with a grin.

Deidara turned to Kakuzu. "You're letting them go? You never let me go when I ask you!" he complained.

"Fine. You can come too!" Kakuzu said, beginning to get annoyed. "But no one else!"

"I'm coming," Itatchi stated as he entered the room with Kisame behind him.

Kakuzu stared in disbelief before sighing. "Okay…." he agreed, knowing the Uchihia wasn't one to cross.

"Kisame's coming too!" Itatchi told him.

Kakuzu looked at the blue man behind him. Kisame shrugged. "We're a package deal!"

He sighed. "Fine! He can come too but that's it!" he told everyone. After all, he had to draw the line somewhere.

"What the f*ck are you talking about?" Hidan asked. "Who else is there? Leader-sama's too high and mighty to be seen in public with us! Konan too! Not that I f*cking care….." he muttered before continuing. "And Zetsu can't go anywhere near a f*cking human without shoving the poor b*stard down his gullet! Seriously! Who were you talking about?"

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes. "Another word form you and you're staying behind!"

"Ha ha! Hidan's in trouble~!" Deidara sang.

"Shut up blondie!"

"Both of you shut up!" Kakuzu yelled over them. "We're leaving in an hour! Be ready!" he added before leaving the room, glaring at each of them.

Everyone stared at the door silently until Tobi spoke. "Yay! Tobi's going grocery shopping!"

* * *

Three hours later, they arrived outside the grocery store. An hour later than Kakuzu would have liked but that couldn't have been helped. Between trying to get Hidan into a shirt and Tobi out of his mask, it was kind of expected. Not to mention Itatchi trying to get Kisame to look human and making sure Deidara had nothing explosive on his person as well as trying to find gloves to hide his hand mouths. He was just surprised he didn't arrive later.

"Please behave!" Kakuzu said as he grabbed a shopping trolley. "This store has the best value for money and I plan to continue shopping here. If I get banned because of you I'll-" he stopped mid- sentence when he turned around and noticed Tobi was the only one still standing there.

"Can Tobi push the trolley Kakuzu-san?" Tobi asked him and took the trolley before running through the automatic doors.

"I should have known this would happen……" Kakuzu sighed before trudging in after him.

* * *

"That is just sick and wrong!" Kisame stated as he stared horrified through the glass screen.

"Ooooh! Sushi!" Itatchi said and looked at the delicacy. Kisame gave him a disgusted look. "Sorry Kisame! I didn't recognise you now that you're not blue!" Itatchi apologised.

So no one would get freaked out by Kisame's regular skin colour, Itatchi sprayed him with some spray tan he found in Konan's bathroom. Instead of being blue, he was now a dark shade of orange. Itatchi had to use it all as the blue was harder to cover than he thought. Never the less, Kisame now could pass a tall human with blue hair and gill tattoos.

"Of course....." he mumbled, hiding his disappointment that his partner and supposed best friend couldn't recognise him. "Why did you want to come anyway?" he asked him.

"I need a new shampoo. I don't like the scent the one I use now gives off. I want to try a vanilla one!" Itatchi told him.

"I like vanilla!" Kisame said and followed him into the cosmetics aisle.

* * *

"This is so boring!" Deidara whined and trudged through the aisles with Hidan.

"Tell me about it!" Hidan agreed. "I thought if I came to this hell hole I'd find something to eat but all this f*cking place sells is sh*t!" he told him and plucked a box of the shelf. "'Lucky charms'! Who the f*ck would want to eat a cereal with f*cking marshmallows! Seriously!"

"That doesn't sound half bad, hmmm!" Deidara told him, took the box out of his hand and read the back.

Hidan took it back and shoved it carelessly into the shelf, causing the boxes on the other side of the shelf to fall. "That's besides the f*cking point! Why isn't there anything here that actually sounds edible? Seriously! No wonder I get f*cking food poisoning every single time I eat this sh*t!"

"Complain all you want, un!" Deidara told him and took a box of lucky charms. "I'm getting these!" he told him before walking in the directions of the cash register.

"Actually this doesn't sound half bad either....." Hidan said and grabbed a box of frosties. "...but that doesn't mean I'm growing to like the f*cking food!" he called and went after him.

* * *

"Where are you Tobi-baka?" Kakuzu muttered as he walked around the store, looking for the masked man.

It shouldn't have been too hard to find him. How many people could be wearing bright orange swirly masks? Since Halloween was just over a week away, all the staff got into the holiday spirit and where wearing masks remarkably similar to Tobi's.

Kakuzu sighed. After mistaking yet another member for his 'friend', he decided to start shopping. He'll find Tobi eventually and if not, he'll find Deidara. He has a strange ability to pop up around him when he really doesn't want him to. Not that he cares. As long as it isn't him he's following around like a lost puppy, he really couldn't care.

* * *

Kakuzu pushed his now full trolley out of the automatic doors of the store. He was quite proud of today's shopping. There were a few Halloween sales and he managed to purchase the majority of the items in them. Hidan will definitely give out to him for this but as long as his wallet was full, he really didn't care.

"What the f*ck took so long?" Hidan asked him as he munched on the cereal he bought.

"Yeah! I had to spend all my change so Tobi could ride that horse..... thing....." Deidara said and gestured to Tobi who was contently sitting on the child's ride.

"Tobi? You were out here the whole time?" Kakuzu asked him and nodded.

"Tobi wanted to play on the horsey!" he told him and jumped off when the it stopped moving.

"And Kisame and Itatchi?" he asked looking around.

"They left hours ago!" Hidan told him. "That fake tan crap turned him purple and the little kids kept thinking he was that f*ckng dinosaur!"

"Barney?" Kakuzu asked and raised an eyebrow.

Hidan nodded. "Bingo. Now can we go home? I've got a few rituals I need to do!"

Kakuzu nodded. "I'd like to get there before sun down anyways!"

"Oh! Oh! Can Tobi sit in the little seat?" Tobi asked and hopped around Kakuzu as he pushed the trolley into the woods.

"If Deidara will push you!"

"Deidara-senpai?"

"No, un!"

So, everyone returned to the base. Itatchi had found a vanilla scented shampoo that did wonders for his hair, Deidara and Hidan discovered their new favourite cereals, Tobi got to ride the horse outside of the store, Kakuzu got everything he needed at low, low prices and Kisame's purple colour washed off when he accidentally used Itatchi's shampoo the next day.

Overall, the shopping trip was successful. However, next time, Kakuzu vowed to go alone. It saved so much hassle.


	8. H is for Halloween

**October 31st **

**6:00am**

"DEIDARA-SENPAI! Wake up! It's Halloween!" Tobi yelled and burst into Deidara's room.

Deidara sat up and glared at his partner. "Get out. Of my room!" he said, a sharp edge to his voice.

"But-"

"NOW, UN!"

Tobi let out a soft yelp and ran out of Deidara's room. He should have known to let Deidara sleep for a few more hours. He thought he wouldn't mind this morning since it was Halloween. He thought wrong. He decided it was no use waking Hidan or Konan this early either since they would, and I quote, 'sacrifice his ass to Jashin'. He guessed Pein, Itatchi and Kakuzu would be pointless to try and wake up. Mostly because he was scared of them for.... well, that story will be saved for another time.

That leaves Kisame and Zetsu. Tobi shook his head. Maybe he should leave them out as well. He didn't want to get eaten this early in the morning. Especially since he hadn't gone trick or treating yet.

Tobi walked into the kitchen and put on his apron. He'll make a special Halloween breakfast instead.

**8:00am**

Deidara swung his legs out of bed and got up. It was still too early for him but he couldn't get back to sleep since Tobi's wake up call.

He yawned as he opened his bedroom door and stepped into the surprisingly warm hallway. He paid no notice and walked into the kitchen. He froze. "What the hell did you do, un?" he asked Tobi.

Tobi was the only recognisable thing in the kitchen. All the appliances were covered in a white foam from the fire extinguisher in Tobi's hands. One curtain had completely burnt to a crisp and the other was still on fire. There was something in the trashcan on fire and Zetsu's potted plant was now a charred pot.

"Tobi put metal in the microwave again Deidara-senpai....." Tobi admitted and lowered his head.

"That's all, un?" Deidara asked. Tobi nodded. "Then why is everything covered in foam?"

"The fire extinguishers hard to use senpai!"

Deidara pulled the extinguisher out of Tobi's hands and gave him a look. He put out the fire on the curtains and in the bin. The items that were inside were too charred to figure out what Tobi had thrown in to cause the fire. Deidara tossed Tobi the fire extinguisher. "Put this back where you got it, un!" He turned to leave the room. "And clean up this mess!" He added and left.

Tobi looked around the kitchen, clutching the extinguisher to his chest. There _was_ a lot of unnecessary foam. Plus the curtains and the plant were completely destroyed. It would take forever to clean it all up. Especially with no help.

He sighed and put the fire extinguisher in the cupboard where he found it. He took out a cloth and a bucket. He'd better get started if he didn't want to spend all his Halloween cleaning.

**10:00am**

It took two hours but he got it done. Tobi stood up and admired his work. The oven and the fridge were sparkling clean, the trash can was cleaned, as were the floors and walls. The only problem was the curtains and the plant couldn't be fixed but he's hoping no one will notice.

He even managed to avoid a tongue thrashing from Pein. Kakuzu, however, gave out to him for wasting the foam in the extinguisher and burning the curtains but he'd much prefer that speech than whatever Pein would have said to him.

So, his special Halloween breakfast didn't go well. The Halloween party he has planned for later will make up for it. He just needs to figure out a way to get everyone in costume....

"Tobi, what did you do to the curtains?" Pein asked as he entered the kitchen." Actually, I don't want to know....."

"Leader-sama? Can we have a Halloween party tonight? Pleeeease?" Tobi pleaded.

"No!" he replied simply.

"It'll be a costume party~" Tobi sang.

"No!"

"Pleeeease? Tobi will be a good boy?" Tobi begged.

"Tobi already is a good boy. Unless you had something to do with the curtains......" Pein said and examined the charred curtains.

"It was an accident! Tobi cleaned it all up after! Tobi IS a good boy!" he defended himself. "Please Leader-sama?"

Pein slid his forefinger over the surface of the oven and checked it for dirt. Tobi had done a good job. If he cleans the rest of the base and refrains from cooking, the base might actually be clean for once.

"Only if you clean the entire base from now on and no longer cook or bake in the kitchen!"

Tobi thought about it. Would this Halloween party be worth not being allowed to cook anymore? Plus he'd have to clean the whole base. "Does that include the bedrooms?" he asked Pein. He vowed not to step a foot inside Hidan's room. It always smells like something died in there. Probably because of his rituals but still, it reeked.

"Only your own!" he replied.

"Hmm..... Deal!" he agreed. "Tobi's looking forward to seeing your costume!"

"I'm not wearing one!"

".....Alrighty then! Tobi's going to go and get his costume ready!" Tobi told him and bounded into the halls.

Pein couldn't help but wonder how Tobi's going to get the others in costume...... Well, he'll find out later at the party.

**10:00pm**

The members of Akatsuki were all gathered in the living room, where Tobi had arranged for them to meet for the party. Some were excited and had dressed up, others didn't see the point but decided to come anyway. Well, except for Kakuzu. He thought Halloween was a holiday designed to get you to spend money and he wasn't having any of it. At the moment, no music was playing and Tobi hadn't shown up yet.

"He calls this a f*cking party?" Hidan asked. Hidan didn't put on a costume. He just came in his ritual appearance and wore a plain black cloak rather than the Akatsuki one. He was quite a convincing grim reaper. Especially with his scythe.

"Yeah!" Deidara agreed. "This is more of an intimate gathering of colleagues!" Deidara, unlike Hidan, kept the Akatsuki cloak on. He just brought a mask identical to Tobi's which right now, was hanging from his neck.

"'An intimate gathering of colleagues?'" Hidan repeated. "What the f*ck are you on?" Deidara glared but gave no reply.

"I like it better this way! You would!" Zetsu argued with himself. Zetsu didn't wear a costume. His white side and black side couldn't agree on one.

"TOBI'S HERE!" Tobi announced as he burst in the room. "Nobody panic!" Tobi came in his casual attire, (black pants, jumper and green scarf) but had drawn an extra eye and mouth on his mask. He taped some green card on the top to make him look like a man with pumpkin head.

"And here I thought my life was going to end, yeah!" Deidara said sarcastically.

Tobi ignored him and put down the CD player he was carrying. He pressed play and music blared from the speakers. "Let's get the party started!" he announced and started to dance. Well, jump around while waving his arms above his head and shaking hips.

Hidan and Deidara gave each other horrified looks before Hidan changed the CD. Wide grins spread across their faces and they began nodding their heads along to the music.

Tobi immediately stopped dancing and gave them a confused look. He wondered why they would change the CD. Was their something wrong with his music? It said 'Greatest Movie Long Songs' on the case. Why would it say 'greatest' if they weren't the greatest? Tobi shrugged and continued 'dancing'. As long as Deidara and Hidan were having a good time, it didn't matter what music they listened to.

"Hn, I liked the other music better!" Itatchi stated to Kisame who was bobbing his head along to the music. Itatchi didn't wear a costume. He didn't see the point.

"I don't know. This has got a nice rhythm to it!" Kisame commented. Kisame, unlike his partner, wore a costume. Well, all he did was strap a fin to his back but it did the job. He was the most life like Jaws Tobi ever seen.

**"I agree! **We do? **Yes, you nincompoop! **I agree with Itatchi! **Well, I agree with Kisame! **Itatchi obviously has the nicer taste! **Speaking of taste..... **NO!" Zetsu argued with himself. Kisame and Itatchi listened in. After all, they were the main cause of the argument.

"I can't believe _you _allowed a party!" Konan said to Pein and sipped some punch from her glass. Pein, as he told Tobi earlier, didn't wear a costume and neither did Konan much to his disappointment.

"I obviously am more of a party animal than you thought!" he smirked back.

"Obviously!" Konan repeated and rolled her eyes. Pein's smirk faded and diverted his attention to Tobi's dancing. No more was said on the subject.

**November 1st**

**1:00am**

Much to Tobi happiness, the party was a success. Well, he considered it to be anyways.

Deidara and Hidan soon got caught up in the music and tried to show off their dance moves which resulted in a dance off between the two. After twenty minutes straight of dancing, Pein declared it a draw to avoid a choreographed fight, no matter how entertaining Konan declared it would be.

Zetsu argued with himself the whole night about whatever popped into his split mind. The music was a topic that lasted a while, as did 'who wore the best costume?'. In the end, Kisame managed to convince him to leave the room as he was giving Itatchi a headache.

Pein and Konan, when not watching the dance-off, talked the whole evening in the corner. They remembered old times with Yahiko, past Halloween experiences and various missions they could send the members on so they could have some 'alone time' without raising suspicion.

Tobi had danced most of the party, pausing only to watch the dance-off and to take a much needed bathroom break. The punch packed quite a punch.

Overall, Tobi declared the night a night to remember. Especially when Deidara thanked him for it. It was easily the best Halloween ever.


	9. I is for Icicles

"Oooooh look at all the snow Deidara-senpai!" Tobi said, staring out the window awestruck. There was a thick layer of snow on the ground and icicles had formed on the roof and windows.

"Yeah, amazing." Deidara replied, not even bothering to look away from the TV to look out the window. "I've never seen anything like it."

"So beautiful....." Tobi said absentmindedly, continuing to stare at it.

"Then why don't you shut the f*ck up and go play in it like a good boy?" Hidan called from his position on the couch.

Tobi turned towards Hidan. "Snow isn't for playing in Hidan-san!" he exclaimed. "Snow is dangerous! Tobi once slipped in the snow and banged his head reeeeally hard!"

"Well that explains a lot, yeah....." Deidara muttered under his breath.

"You have got to be f*cking kidding me!" Hidan said and screwed up his face in confusion.

"This is not a laughing matter!" Tobi stated.

"Just go out and play in the f*cking snow!" Hidan yelled.

"But Tobi's to young to die!" he exclaimed.

"Oh for f*cks sake!" Hidan swore and stood up. "I'll go out there and show you how safe it is!" he informed him and stomped out of the room.

Tobi turned and looked out the window again. Deidara got up and knelt down beside Tobi, curious to what Hidan was going to do. Hidan walked out the front door and stepped into the snow. "HOLY SH*T! IT'S F*CKING FREEZING!" he yelled and ran back in. Tobi and Deidara glanced at each other before looking back out the window. Hidan reappeared with his cloak and a pair of Akatsuki gloves. He trudged over to in front of the living room window and lay down on the ground. He started waving his arms up and down and moving his legs back and forth. When he stood up, he motioned to the snow angel on the ground. "See? Fun!"

Deidara laughed. "You're not seriously telling me that's-"

"TOBI WANTS TO TRY!" Tobi yelled and ran outside. Deidara facepalmed. Of course.....

Tobi lay down next to Hidan's snow angel and started waving his arms and flailing his legs in attempt to copy him. Hidan muttered something under his breath and trudged over to Deidara at the window. "That can't be fun, yeah!" Deidara told him.

"It isn't. It's the most f*cking boring thing ever!" Hidan told him.

"Then why did you tell him it was fun, hmm?" Deidara asked.

Hidan smirked. "So I could do this!" He gathered up the snow off the window sill and rolled it into a ball before tossing it at Tobi.

"WAAH! The snow is attacking Tobi!" he yelled before getting up to only slip on the ice and fall back down again.

"Now that's fun! Seriously!" Hidan said with a grin.

"We put clay bombs in there it'll be more fun, yeah!" Deidara told him before running outside with his cloak and gloves.

* * *

An hour later, Tobi was perched up in a tree and looked around the 'garden', trying to spot Hidan and Deidara. He'd tried to get back inside for ages but every time he gets close, a snowball hits him and explodes, causing Tobi to scramble back up the tree again.

Not seeing either of them, he slowly slid down the tree for the tenth time and crept to the door, keeping an eye out for the 'men'. A few yards away from the door, he decided to make a run for it . Tobi sprinted as fast as he could. He was only but a few feet away when he slipped and fell flat on his back. Hidan and Deidara hovered over his, snowball clutched in the gloves. "Uh oh...." Tobi muttered before being pelted by the snow for what he thinks is the hundredth time.

Luckily, this time they didn't explode. Tobi thanked his lucky starts before scrambling up and making a bolt for the door before Deidara and Hidan had a chance to make more. He was about to reach for the door handle when the snow on the doorstep exploded, causing him to fly backwards. "WAAAAH!" he screamed and scrambled up his tree again.

Deidara and Hidan fell into fits of laughter. Literally. Tobi watched them from his tree with a pout on his face. He crossed his arms and glared at them. "It's not fair!" he said aloud. "Why does everyone pick on Tobi? Tobi wants to show them it's not nice being bullied!"

**"Like revenge?"** Zetsu's black half stated at Zetsu popped out from the ground at the base of the tree. "But revenge is evil! Tobi's a good boy!" Tobi told him.

"I'm afraid revenge is exactly what you said you wanted Tobi!" Zetsu's white half told him.

"Well..... I guess it wouldn't hurt....."

"**Great! We'll eat them! That'll show them!" **Zetsu's black half said.

"NO!" Tobi said. "Tobi just wants them to feel embarrassed and scared like Tobi!"

"**Getting eaten would be scary and-"** Zetsu's black half said but was stopped by the white half. "We have a better idea Tobi! The next time you run, you'll see!" he said before disappearing back into the tree.

Tobi stared at that spot before glancing at the door and the yard. He didn't see Hidan and Deidara so they must be in their hiding spot. He wondered what Zetsu had planned.....

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Tobi was still in the tree, He decided Zetsu had enough time and it was okay to run back to the base. He slid down the tree and looked to see if he could see Hidan and Deidara. No luck. Tobi took a deep breath and ran towards the door. He only got halfway when he heard Hidan and Deidara screaming. He skidded to a stop and turned towards the shrieks.

Deidara and Hidan were prancing about in the snow in nothing but their boxers, screaming about how cold it is. They ran straight past Tobi and through the door to the giggled a little to himself before laughing. He skipped into the base after them, finally glad they got a taste of their own medicine.

**~EXTENDED ENDING~**

A week later, Hidan and Deidara were lying on the couch with colds. That's when they decided to give Tobi a bit of a break from now. It turned out he had people that neither of them wanted to cross. Being digested wasn't on their to-do lists.


	10. J is for Joker

Tobi was bored. He had nothing to do, no one to play with. Deidara would ignore him or threaten to blow him up every time he suggested a game. It wasn't fair. Although, this time would be different. Deidara would play with him. He just had to suggest the right game.

Tobi let himself into Deidara's room, as always, ignoring the lecture about privacy Deidara was giving him. He produced a deck of cards from his cloak and held it out to his partner. "Want to play cards, Deidara-senpai?" he asked.

Deidara looked at the cards before looking at Tobi. He raised an eyebrow. It was the first time he suggested a game he had actually liked playing, instead of asking about tag, hide and seek and twister. (Although, he'd play twister with girls, any day) He was about to refuse when an idea formed in his head. He smirked. He was pretty good at poker if he doesn't say so himself. He could easily beat Tobi. And if they played strip poker, he could get him to take off his mask. "I'd love to play cards with you, un!" he said, smirking. "And I have the perfect game!" he wrapped an arm around his shoulder and led him out of the room.

Tobi couldn't believe it. Deidara wanted to play with him! He knew he would agree to play cards. He'd seen him play with Hidan, Kakuzu and Kisame a few times. Now he gets to play with him too! Maybe they'll even let him join their card playing group! Now Tobi was really excited. He and Deidara will be even closer friends than they are now and he might even hold back on the death threats!

Both boys smiled but for different reasons. This was going to be good.

* * *

Tobi sat eagerly at the table. Kisame and Hidan had decided to join their game after Deidara whispered something into their ears. He NEVER had played with this many Akatsuki members before! Unless he counted the 'see-how-many-times-you-can-make-Tobi-cry-in-one-day' game but Tobi didn't since it wasn't one of his favourites.

"Ever played poker kid?" Hidan asked him as he dealt out the cards, smirking.

Tobi shook his head. "No Hidan-san!"

"Don't worry Tobi, un!" Deidara assured him, wearing a smirk identical to Hidan's. "We'll teach you, yeah!"

"Thanks so much senpai!" he thanked him. Hidan finished dealing out the cards and Tobi looked at them. He had the seven and five of hearts, a jack of clubs, a three of spades and a joker. Were the jokers supposed to be dealt?

"You should probably know that whoever has the joker automatically loses the round, yeah!" Deidara smirked, looking at Tobi's cards. The jokers weren't supposed to be shuffled in but what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Physically anyway.

"But- but Tobi has a joker Deidara-senpai!" Tobi exclaimed and shoved the card into his face.

Deidara swatted his had away. Kisame grinned. "Looks like you lose this round, Tobi!" he said and slipped his cards back to Hidan.

"You know what happens when you lose?" Hidan smirked, 'shuffling' the cards back to together. Tobi shook his head. "You have to take off one of your clothes!"

Tobi gasped. He had to..... take off his clothes.....? But the other guys might see his..... you know.... his face! Then he wouldn't be mysterious anymore! But then..... If those are the rules, he'd have to be a good boy and remove his clothes. Whimpering, Tobi unzipped his cloak and slung it over the back of the chair.

"Good boy!" Kisame said grinning.

Tobi noticed Hidan had already dealt out the cards. He took them in his gloved hands and looked at them. He gasped. Uh oh.... "Tobi has another joker!" he whined and hung his head.

"Imagine that....." Kisame said grinning. It didn't surprise the three men as Hidan stacked the deck so Tobi got a joker every round. Well, S-ranked criminals never played fair. Except Tobi, the good boy.

Tobi whimpered and pulled off his gloves. What luck.....

Hidan dealt out another round of cards and Tobi yet again, got another joker. The boys laughed as he kicked of his shoes. However, at this point, Tobi started to think maybe it was Hidan's shuffling that caused him bad luck. He took all the cards before Hidan could 'shuffle' them and shuffled them himself.

"What the f*ck are you doing?" Hidan yelled at him.

"Shuffling!" Tobi stated simply before dealing out the cards. He looked at his hand and sighed in relief. No jokers. However, the other three had one each. Deidara and Kisame glared at Hidan as they both removed their sandals. Hidan swore under his breath and kicked off his too.

Deidara gathered up the cards and shuffled, glaring at Tobi. Now that he had mixed the cards, the deck was no longer stacked and any one of them could get a joker now. It had become a game of luck, one any of them could lose.

* * *

Half an Hour passed. Only Tobi and Deidara were left. Hidan was put out first, due to already being half naked and Kisame left when he did, not wanting to go through the embarrassment. Deidara plowed on, determined to get that mask off of Tobi. Tobi only stayed because his senpai made him. Bless his little soul.

Deidara was down to his underwear and Tobi only had his mask on. He was fidgety, due to his nakedness. Luckily, Deidara didn't want to see 'Tobi junior' so he let him cover himself with his cloak.

The last round was dealt. Tobi's hand was shaking with fear as he reached towards his cards. He slowly picked them up and reluctantly looked at them through his eye hole. His body relaxed. No joker. He glanced over his cards at Deidara, wondering if he had a joker. Tobi presumed he did. He didn't see why else his visible eye would be twitching or why his jaw would be clenched.

"Deidara-senpai? Are you okay?" he asked him, concern in his voice.

Deidara laid his cards down in front of him. All jokers. Now that's just rotten luck. "Looks like you lose Senpai....." Tobi said sympathetically. He turned around. "Tobi won't look while you take off your boxers." It wasn't to be polite, Tobi didn't want to see Deidara in all his naked glory. The thought made his cheeks burn with embarrassment.

"Take off that fricken MASK, UN!" Deidara yelled and tackled Tobi out of his chair, clawing at his covered face.

"TOBI'S CLOAK!" Tobi screamed, as the cloak fell off of him. He gripped Deidara's wrists, trying to keep him from removing his mask. "Senpai! Stop!" he whined. His request went ignored. Deidara continued to try remove the orange nightmare, a look of sheer determination on his face.

"What the hell do you two think you're doing?" Pein asked, freezing at the doorway. My guess is he wasn't too pleased with a practically naked Deidara sitting on a stark naked Tobi in the middle of his living room. Konan, however, felt differently.

"Oooh! Yaoi~!"

Deidara and Tobi looked up at the two wide-eyed. Deidara immediately jumped off Tobi, his face bright red. Tobi whimpered, picked up his clothes and scampered off to his room. He didn't speak to Deidara for several weeks after that. The whole experience traumatized him greatly. Even more so than the time he watched one of his Hidan's rituals.

Deidara decided to look at the bright side. Sure he didn't get to see Tobi's face and he learned to ignore the cries of 'Mayday! It's Gay Dei!'. He was just glad he didn't have to put up with Tobi anymore. Considering he was too scared to ask to play games anymore.

However, every member will forever remember this day as the day Pein banned strip poker. Not a single one of them complained. Except for Konan, the closet pervert.


	11. K is for Kiss

February 14th or more commonly known as Valentine's Day. It's that one special day in the year were couples of all types, go out, buy little gifts and give not so little love to that significant other. Then again, not all of us are lucky enough to have a special person to spend this day with. That's why Tobi thought he was the luckiest guy on the planet. He didn't have a special _person _but special _people _and he was eager to celebrate the holiday with them. Whether the S-ranked criminals wanted to or not.

* * *

Tobi sealed the final pink envelope and using his fanciest calligraphy, wrote the name on the front with his red glitter pen. He set it on top of the others carefully, not wanting to rip the precious card. There. All finished. Tobi had successfully wrote all the members a card and got little (not so little in some cases) gifts for all his favourite people.

This was going to be the best Valentine's Day ever. Tobi knew it. Everyone was going to LOVE him once the day is out. They'll all be enjoying their presents and thanking him immensely. (They might even call him a goody boy~!) Yes, it was going to be great.

Tobi gathered everything into his arms and left his room. It was currently three in the morning and he wanted to deliver everything before they all woke up. It wouldn't be much of a surprise then, would it?

* * *

"Kisame?"

Kisame rolled over in his bed, burying his head into his pillow, trying to ignore Itachi's voice so he could get a few more precious hours of sleep.

"Kisame?" Itachi repeated.

He grumbled and groaned, not bothering to turn and face his partner. "What?" he said, his voice muffled by the pillow.

"What's this?"

Kisame lifted his head and rolled over so he was facing Itachi. He eyed the red paper heart in his hands and raised an eyebrow. "A Valentine's Day card?" he guessed.

Itachi nodded. "But what is it doing here?" he asked him, examining the heart once more.

"Maybe you have a-" Kisame started, stopping when he looked at Itachi's face. He smirked and bit his lip, trying to hold back laughter. "Looks like the card wasn't the only thing left for you....." he said before bellowing into laughter.

Itachi's brows furrowed together in confusion. He walked into their shared bathroom and looked in the mirror. He blinked at his reflection and stared at the think, round black frames of the glasses perched on his nose. "Ah...." Itachi said in realisation. He couldn't understand why everything was so clear and in focus today.

Kisame appeared at the door grinning, just about managing to stop laughing. He leaned on the door frame and stared at Itachi's reflection in the mirror. "Who do you think it's from Harry Potter?" he asked, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Tobi."

"Tobi?"

"He signed his name on the card." Itachi replied and handed Kisame the red paper heart. Kisame took it in his large hands, opened it and glanced at Tobi's neat handwriting. He glanced at the poem inside before reading it aloud.

"Roses are red,  
Black, yellow and white.  
I hope you can see them,  
with your new given sight.  
They say love is blind  
but now can you see  
just how special  
you are to me.  
-Tobi"

Kisame smirked. "Is Tobi special to you too Itachi?" he asked and chuckled.

Itachi sent him a look through the mirror before looking at the reflection strangely. "Kisame?" he asked. "What's that in the bath?"

Kisame turned towards the bath and noticed it was filled to the brim with water. He trudged over to it and peered inside. There must have being at least fifty small fish swimming around. From gold fish to clown fish, angel fish to sea horses, there wasn't a single fish of the same kind. Even a turtle was speeding through the water.

"It looks like Tobi got you a card too." Itachi said, standing behind Kisame and looking at the rose coloured paper, taped to the tile above the bath. Kisame's name was scrawled on the front, surrounded with silver glitter.

Kisame plucked it off the wall, specks of the glitter raining down into the bath water below. He opened it and scanned through the writing inside before reading it aloud.

"You may be blue  
But I hope you're not sad,  
'Coz you're one of the  
Best friends that I ever had.  
Now play with your gift  
But please be good,  
Because fish are our friends  
And not our food!  
-Tobi"

Kisame raised an eyebrow. "Since when were Tobi and I friends?" he asked.

Itachi didn't reply but watched the fish peck at the glitter floating on the water. He looked up at Kisame. "Do you think Tobi gave the others presents too?" he asked.

Kisame grinned. "I hope so!" he said. He liked the idea of the others getting humiliated. He wasn't completely embarrassed himself but judging by Itachi's glasses and the poems, the others will not be happy with the man child......

* * *

Hidan was rudely awakened from his slumber when something heavy was dropped onto his stomach. He sprang up into a sitting position and a stream or profanities poured from his mouth.

"Kakuzu you b*stard! What the f*ck did you do that for? I was trying to f*cking-" he stopped, looking at the large red bag with a white heart sitting on his stomach. "What the f*ck is this?"

Kakuzu stood at the foot of Hidan's bed with his arms crossed. He glared at the Jashinist. "That's what I wanted to know!" he said.

"You think _I _gave this piece of sh*t to you?" Hidan exclaimed. "Why the f*ck would I do that?"

"How would I know?" Kakuzu replied, continuing to glare at him.

Hidan shot him a dirty look before glaring down at the bag. "What the f*ck's in here anyway?" he asked him.

Kakuzu shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't open it."

Hidan continued to stare at the bag confused before he tugged at the red ribbon, tying the bag closed. He reached inside and pulled out a pink envelope. "It's yours!" Hidan said, reading Kakuzu's name on the front. He tore the envelope open, the white card falling into his lap. He threw the remains of the envelope onto the floor and picked it up.

Kakuzu snapped it out of his grasp before his beloved partner could get a chance to read it. He looked at the pink sequins on the front, arranged in a heart shape before opening it. His green eyes scanned through the writing. He sighed. "Valentine's Day......" he stated. "How could I forget?"

"Valentine's day?" Hidan asked, screwing up his face in confusion. "What the f*ck is Valentine's day?"

"Valentine's Day is a day thought up by the greeting card companies to increase sales in the spring. Lovers are supposed to give each other cards and gifts. Some people believe it has religious meaning but it's all bullsh*t if you ask me!" Kakuzu explained and handed Hidan the card.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Like I care about some f*cking pagan holiday!" he stated, opening the card and reading the inscription inside.

"Money makes the world go round  
And you would know that best.  
But sometimes you are sour,  
Like a squirt of lemon zest.  
But don't be sad or angry,  
No need to be distressed,  
Tobi loves you anyway  
And likes your eyes the best.  
-Tobi"

Kakuzu sighed. "He even writes poetry in third person....." he muttered.

Hidan stared at the card for a moment before bursting into fits of laughter. "That is just f*cking RICH!"

Kakuzu glowered at him before eyeing the bag. Surely the card wasn't the _only _thing in there. He wasn't that lucky. He reached into the bag and pulled out a handful of whatever hell was in there. He raised an eyebrow at the shiny coins in his hand. After some examination, he discovered they were chocolate coins.

Kakuzu sighed and shoved the chocolate into Hidan's mouth to get him to shut up. As the Jashinist choked, Kakuzu wandered back to his bed but stopped at the bathroom door, smelling something rotten wafting from it. Now, he has lived with Hidan for awhile now and as much as he'd hate to admit it, he was pretty damn clean despite the words he uses so he was more than a little curious at the foul stench.

Kakuzu opened the bathroom door and peered inside. He screwed up his face at the odour, wishing he had put his mask on _before _he investigated. He sighed, noticing where the smell was coming from. "Hidan," he said. "What have I told you about disposing your sacrifices properly?"

"What the f*ck are you talking about?" Hidan exclaimed, just recently recovered from his coughing fit. "I always get rid of my sacrifices!" His idea of disposing the bodies was leaving them outside Zetsu's door and running like hell. They were never seen again.

"Then how do you explain that?" Kakuzu asked him and pointed inside the bathroom.

Hidan climbed out of bed, mumbling profanities under his breath and trudged over to the bathroom door. He coughed as he inhaled the smell and stared wide eyed at the bath. "I swear to f*cking Jashin that is not mine!" Hidan told him and pointed at the decomposing corpse lying uncomfortably in the bath tub.

"Then where do you suppose it came from?" Kakuzu asked and crossed his arms, glaring at the Jashinist.

"How the f*ck would I know?" Hidan replied, still staring at the corpse. He then noticed a pink envelope sitting behind the pale head. He grabbed a nearby towel and held it over his mouth and nose to protect himself from the smell. He reluctantly trudged into the bathroom, grabbed the envelope and fled out of the room as quick as he could. He slammed the door behind him to keep the stench in the bathroom.

Hidan dropped the towel on the floor and ripped the envelope open with his teeth. He pulled out a bright red card, decorated with white hearts and flowers. He cringed as he opened it, dreading to read what would be written inside.

"You are the epitome of evil,  
You never cease to kill,  
Always wanting more and more  
It gives you such a thrill.  
But never fear dear Hidan,  
I don't think of you a threat,  
Tobi loves you anyway  
and hopes you won't forget.  
-Tobi"

"The F*CK?" Hidan yelled, staring at the card with a horrified expression.

Kakuzu sighed. "He isn't an Edgar Allen Poe, that's for sure......"

"Who?"

"Never mind....." Kakuzu sighed and glanced back at the bathroom door. "It seems the corpse was a Valentine's gift from Tobi....."

"What the f*ck am I supposed to do with a dead guy?" Hidan asked, tearing the card into tiny pieces, letting the shredded remains fall down to his feet.

"I'm guessing Tobi wants you to use it as a sacrifice....." Kakuzu told him.

"A sacrifice?" Hidan exclaimed. "I can't use that as a f*cking sacrifice! He's already f*cking dead! The only thing that's f*cking good for is feeding f*cking Zetsu! Come on! What-"

"Maybe that's it....." Kakuzu said, interrupting Hidan's rant. "Maybe you got Zetsu's gift and he got yours?"

Hidan screwed up his face for a moment. "Then what the f*ck did Zetsu get?"

* * *

"Roses are red,  
Violets are blue.  
They both smell pretty,  
And so do you.  
Flowers will wilt and  
their smells may fade,  
But my love for you  
Will last a decade.  
-Tobi"

Zetsu blinked down at the card in front of him. He couldn't help but wonder why Tobi wrote him Valentine's card. His white side thought it was a cute gesture whereas his dark side was not impressed. He lowered the card and looked at the present once again. A machete knife. What is he supposed to do with a machete knife?

"We could use it to trim the hedges?" Zetsu's white half suggested. "**Or to finish off that little twerp once and for all. He wouldn't taste half bad with some salt and a slice of lemon! **Isn't that fish? **Who cares? I just want to eat him....."**

Pein sat at his desk in his office, an eyebrow raised at the mug in front of him. When he entered the room this morning, he noticed the white 'I Leader' mug filled with candy hearts sitting on a red envelope. He had forgotten it was Valentine's Day and he couldn't shake off the feeling he was going to regret it.....

Pein picked up the card that was in the envelope and glanced at the front. It was a pale pink with a picture of an arrow piercing a heart. On the inside, was a poem written in Tobi's handwriting.

"You're the boss of our organisation  
And the boss of our hearts.  
You put up with our ramblings  
Of money and art.  
Of religion and fighting  
And of love and revenge,  
We'll give you respect,  
Until the very end.  
-Tobi & Akatsuki (but mainly Tobi)"

Pein sighed and tossed the card into the nearby trash can. "Madara you've finally cracked....." he muttered under his breath. He plucked one of the hearts from the mug. "Be mine....." he read aloud, rolled his eyes and popped it into his mouth.

There was knock on the door and Konan let herself in. A soft smile was on her face and a bouquet of roses was in her hands. "Look Pein-kun!" she said and glided over to the desk. "Look what Madara got me!" She dropped the roses onto the desk in front of Pein. "Isn't that sweet?"

He rolled his eyes. "Darling...."

Konan glared at her childhood friend for a moment before producing a white card. "And he even wrote me a poem!" she said and slid the card over to him.

Pein eyed her for a moment before picking up the card. On the front was a red heart with a pair of wings and a halo, obviously a connection to Konan's nickname 'angel'. He opened it and read the poem aloud.

"Dear sweet angel,  
You light up my life.  
Your smile takes away  
All the worry and strife.  
Your soft gentle voice  
Is like music to me,  
You may love paper,  
But I love thee  
-Tobi "

Pein glared down at the card. "He obviously downloaded it from the internet....." he stated, trying to restrain himself from crumpling up the card in a fit of jealousy.

"Who cares where he got it!" Konan said, rolling her eyes at Pein. "At least _he _had the courtesy to give me something for Valentine's Day!" she added, crossing her arms and giving him a look.

"I got you something!" Pein said, dropping the card on his desk. He reached into the drawer and pulled out a black sharpie. He crossed out the word 'Leader' on his mug and wrote in 'Angel' instead. "Here!" he said and gave it to her.

Konan took the mug in her hands, eyeing Pein warily. She examined it and sighed. "I prefer Madara's present!" she stated, glaring at him.

"I bet you do......"

* * *

Deidara rolled over in his bed and snuggled his head into his pillow. He wasn't due to waken for another hour or so. He always made sure to try and get the recommended eight hours of beauty sleep. Tobi always tried to make sure he didn't.

"DEIDARA-SENPAI~!" he sang, shaking the blonde awake. "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY~!"

Deidara reluctantly opened his eyes and turned to glare at his partner. He clenched his teeth. "Tobi, un?" he hissed. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Nope~!" Tobi chirped. He held out a white envelope and scratched the back of his neck. "Tobi got this for you! Happy Valentine's Day~!"

Deidara eyed the man child warily and took the envelope in his hands. His hand mouths chewed an opening in the envelope and he pulled out the card. It was a plain white, nothing special. When Deidara opened the card, a large red heart popped out. On the heart was a photograph of Tobi giving the peace sign with one hand, the other was wrapped around an irritated Deidara's shoulders.

"Tobi's sorry he didn't write you a poem like the others Deidara-senpai!" Tobi apologised, scratching the back of his neck. "But Tobi wanted yours to be more special because you're my Deidara-senpai!" he explained, clasping his hands together.

Deidara glared at the card and back up at Tobi. "I feel special, yeah....." he said in a monotone voice and tossed the card onto the floor.

"Tobi got you a present too~!" he sang and pointed up the roof.

Deidara looked at him with a confused expression before tilting his head upwards. His eyes.... er eye widened at the scene. Tobi had somehow managed to paint the 'creation of man' painting, found on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel onto their roof. Except, he had replaced the people with surprisingly lifelike paintings of himself and Tobi. However, he covered all the private parts with leaves. Either because he didn't know what Deidara's looked like or because he was too modest. He desperately hoped it was the first one.

"And that's not all~!" Tobi sang.

"Oh God....."

Tobi span around so his was back was facing his partner. He pulled his winneh the pooh pyjama top over his head so Deidara could see his back. His eye widened even more. Tobi got his name tattooed onto his back. It was written in fancy calligraphy and surrounded by little hearts. "So..... What do you think?" Tobi asked him and pulled his top back on again.

Deidara continued to stare, his mouth opening and closing. He resembled a blonde goldfish, like the one in Kisame's bath.

"You're speechless?" Tobi said happily. "That makes Tobi feel so warm inside!" he added, covering his heart with one of his gloved hands. "You're very welcome Deidara-senpai!"

"I...... am going to KILL YOU!"

* * *

_21st Feb._

_Dear Diary,_

_Hi Diary! Tobi here again. Remember when Tobi told you about last Valentine's Day? Well, Tobi has some news._

_Kakuzu-san says Tobi can get the cast of his leg in two months! Deidara-senpai hasn't apologised yet but Tobi doesn't mind because he really liked his presents, even though he repainted the roof. Tobi can tell. _

_Speaking of Kakuzu-san, he let Hidan-san eat his present and Zetsu-san ate Hidan-san's present. Isn't it nice they're sharing? Kakuzu-san sold the machete on eBay for a very reasonable price. He says he's going to buy 'something that Tobi's deserves' with it. Tobi is soooo excited!_

_Itachi-san wore his glasses to the new Harry potter movie. They let him in for half price because he dressed up like Harry Potter. Isn't that great? Tobi didn't even know they did that!_

_Kisame-san accidently spilled bubble bath into the bath and all the fishies died. Except the turtle. Kisame-san gave it to Tobi and Tobi named him Melvin. He bit Tobi......_

_Konan-chan waters her flowers every day. She says it's the best present she ever got! Tobi is soooo happy about that! She even gave Tobi a kiss! Tee hee! Leader-sama doesn't like Tobi anymore though but Tobi doesn't know why......_

_Is that everything? Tobi thinks so. Well diary, Tobi will talk tomorrow. Deidara-senpai says he wants to sign Tobi's cast! _

_Goodbye for now!_

_Tobi :)_


	12. L is for Liquor

Stress.

Stress is what led Kakuzu to the worst night of his life. He didn't realise just how much trouble he could cause by his suggestion. Not to mention how empty it would make his wallet. It was an innocent enough decision at first. After that... not so much.

Perhaps I should start at the beginning....

Kakuzu groaned, holding his head in his hands. Tobi wanted to pay paper aeroplanes and decided to use the bills. Now, he had no way on finishing the Akatsuki's budget. Not to mention his beloved partner complaining behind him non-stop. Deidara and Sasori were arguing about art, yet again and as per usual, weren't quiet about.

"I need a drink...." he muttered finally, shaking his head. He sighed and leaned back on his seat. Surprisingly, Hidan stopped whining at this statement.

"We're going to a bar?" he asked, before grinning. "F*CK YEAH! You know exactly what I need 'Kuzu!" he added, patting his partner on his back. Before Kakuzu could object to Hidan's assumptions, the Jashinist spread the news.

"DEIDARA-CHAN! We're going to a f*cking bar!"

"Really, un?"

"Brat, you're underage!"

"Not in Europe, yeah!"

Kakuzu sighed. He could feel his wallet growing smaller already. But, maybe it won't be that bad.... Maybe it'll be just him, the terrorist and the masochist. He doubted anybody else would want to go anyway. That's not too much of a dip in the Akatsuki's funding, right? So really, how bad could it be?

* * *

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps later, Kakuzu realised he should have stuck with his first instinct and not allowed this night to happen.

First of all, he was wrong about the numbers. Yes, he, Hidan and Deidara all went, like he expected. He just didn't think the others would be so intent on tagging along. Tobi, the little scamp, had never been to a bar before and wanted to see what they were like. Sasori came to make sure Deidara and Tobi didn't touch anything with alcohol. Pein came to release some stress and Konan joined him as she can never get him to leave the base. Kisame thought it'd be fun and Itachi, well; Kakuzu had no idea why he came.

The only one to remain behind was Zetsu, claiming he didn't like the taste of alcohol. That and he was forbidden for eating the other customers and the bartender. He didn't see the point after that.

Although, there was something Kakuzu learned from this experience - what type of drunks each of the Akatsuki members were. It wasn't a useful find but he figured the information could come handy in the future. He supposed he was the depressed type, due to the extreme loss of cash he was currently suffering from.

Everyone else, well, they were 'unique' to say the least....

The Violent Drunk

"SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU F*CKING B*STARD!"

"Calm down! I didn't mean to spill your drink!" the unknown by-stander glared up at the silver haired Jashinist, unknowingly signing his own will.

"Don't you f*cking worry your sweet f*cking ass you f*cking f*cktard! I'm gonna shove this f*cking snooker cue so f*cking far up your f*cking ass you're gonna have to f*cking go into f*cking surgery to f*cking remove it!" Hidan swore. He stole a snooker cue from the nearest by-stander and shoved the poor defenceless girl into someone else. That someone else just so happened to be Deidara.

The Flirtatious Drunk

"Hey baby, un!" Deidara slurred at her, gripping his drink in his hand. "You're beautiful - like art, un. Art is a bang, yeah. Therefore, I wanna bang you, hm!" he smirked, raising his eyebrows up and down suggestively. Hard to believe the blonde only had two drinks.

The girl slapped him across the face and fled to the bar, suddenly in need of vodka and coke... with extra vodka... and no coke.

Deidara shrugged, seemingly not fazed about the rejection. He just moved onto the next girl instead. Or at least, what he thought was a girl. "What do you say we go to my place and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and multiply!"

"I'm a GUY!"

"So am I, un~"

"And I'm not gay!"

"Yeah, well, so. Am. I. Un."

Cue another smack in the face and our resident bomber moved on to the next unwilling client. Itachi, on the other hand, was having the opposite problem.

The Honest Drunk

"You're really cute~ "

"I've been looking for a man like you~"

"What's a guy like you doing in a place like this, hun?"

"Wanna have SMEX?"

Itachi finished his drink in record time and ordered another one. He sighed. "I get that a lot...."

"Which one?"

"All of them. Especially the first and last ones," he replied, glaring at his empty glass in hopes his stare would refill it. "Do you know what I say to girls like you?"

"....Yes~?"

Itachi ignored the hopeful girls' look and continued "They usually don't live long enough to find out." The girls looked at him warily, trying to determine whether or not the Uchiha was joking. One harsh stare quickly answered that question and they wandered off to look for slightly more drunk cute guys.

The Giddy Drunk

Kisame laughed at Itachi has the girls slunk off in another direction. "Ah Itachi-san! You always were a ladies' man!" he told him, grinning broadly.

The blue man wasn't much different when he was drunk. The only noticeable difference was he was much more easily amused, the complete opposite to his silent partner.

"Remember when I walked in on Pein AND Konan in the shower? That was mentally scarring!" he chuckled, taking another swig of beer, enjoying the tingling sensation of the cool liquid flowing down the back of his throat.

"Konan's probably pregnant now," Itachi stated. "She hasn't touched any alcohol all night."

The Dumb Drunk

"Pein. For the last time, I can't drink." Konan said as Pein brought her yet another martini.

"Sure you can!" Pein said before gulping down his own fruity drink. "Anyone can drink alcohol if they put their mind to it!" he grinned at her. "Besides, how are you gonna know if you don't try~?"

Konan sighed, rubbing her temples. "I'm pregnant Pein. Pregnant women aren't allowed alcohol, it's bad for the baby!"

Pein blinked at her innocently from over the top of his glass. "Why? What happens? Does it explode?"

".....Yes Pein. The baby explodes when I consume alcohol."

"Then you shouldn't have got pregnant!" he pointed out, finishing off his drink.

"If you had have wore a condom in the shower that day like I suggested, I wouldn't be."

"Whoops. My bad."

"..."

"...So are you gonna drink that?"

*sigh*

Kakuzu couldn't determine what type of drunks Sasori and Tobi were. Not because they didn't drink, they did. He just had absolutely no clue where they were. Neither of them could be seen anywhere in the bar and quite frankly, the miser wasn't sure he wanted to know. He was sure, well almost sure, that they would show up eventually. Whether it was later that night, sometime the next day or after spending a few years in prison, they'll come back. Maybe.

Kakuzu shrugged, taking another gulp of his drink. He wasn't that close to either of them anyway.

* * *

The next morning will be a day nobody in the Akatsuki will ever forget.

It was the morning that many of the members woke up with splitting headaches, the morning they realised they didn't have nearly enough headache tablets for the whole organisation and the day Zetsu felt like he was the sane one.

It was the morning Deidara woke up with not one, not two, but three naked women in his bed. One of which he wasn't sure was actually born a woman.

It was the morning that Itachi and Kisame woke up in the same together. Luckily, they were both wearing underwear. And scuba masks for some odd reason.

It was the morning Hidan woke up with onlyone arm and a dart in his forehead. And one in his chest. And seven in his back. He didn't know there was a tattoo of a dartboard on his back until a week later when Kakuzu stabbed him in the bull's-eye.

It was the morning Pein woke up with a 'babies for dummies' book sitting on his desk. A note was scrawled on the inside cover from Konan that he'd rather not share with anyone under the age of twenty-one.

And finally, it was the morning Sasori woke up in a dumpster in Konoha.

The puppet master opened his eyes to see the bright blue sky up above him. He cringed at the bright light, giving him an intense migraine. It took him a moment to realise he could only see through one eye. He reached up towards his eye and felt something plastic covering his face. He pulled it off and Sasori's eyes widened at Tobi's orange swirly mask.

If he was wearing it, what was Tobi wearing...?

He looked to his left and his eyes widened at the Uchiha's exposed form.

"You're.... You're.... You're M-"

"Unless the end of that sentence is 'extremely good looking' then not. A. Word."


	13. M is for Magic

**M is for Magic**

"Like this, Zetsu-san?"

"Yes Tobi. Just like that," Zetsu nodded at him. He was teaching him about summons today. The boy asked him to teach him how to summon butterflies (Jashin knows _why…_) and he really couldn't refuse. Not because he physically couldn't, but because Deidara forced him to so the masked idiot would leave him alone.

Of course, to summon anything, you need a summoning scroll so the two men (three personalities) set out to create one. It took awhile (two months, one week and four days but who's counting?) to figure it out, but they finally did it. Now, Tobi was lying out flat on the ground, adding the finishing touches to the creation.

Zetsu was sure that letting Tobi do all the writing was going to come back and bite him in the ass.

Tobi dipped the quill into the black ink well, and added the final few kanji to the parchment. "All done~!" the masked man chirped. He placed the feather back into the pot before standing up and brushing his hands together, admiring his work. "Tobi can't wait to summon some pretty butterflies to play with Deidara-senpai's pretty butterflies~!"

Zetsu sweat dropped. The rock nin was going to blow up the insects and he knew it. In fact, anyone who knew the blonde for at least an hour could tell you that. His white side was about to tell Tobi this but the black side spoke first. **"Are you sure you've got everything right? I don't want you to summon a mutant or something that you're going to make **_**me **_**get rid of…"**

"Tobi's sure~!" he sang in reply. He clapped his hands together and bowed to the scroll to show it respect. Why? Zetsu didn't know. He learned a long time ago it was pointless to question Tobi's actions. He always got something that sounded like Tobi was making it up as went along. Which he probably was.

Tobi continued the summoning process, scribbling seals on his arms, performing dozens of handseals before slamming his hands down onto the scroll. After a puff of smoke and a small 'thud', his summon arrived – a small, yellow, paperback book. Tobi blinked at it. "That's not a pretty butterfly!" he exclaimed, whining in disappointment.

Zetsu sank into the ground and popped up again next to the book. He stared at it for a moment, blinking at the cover in confusion. "This isn't written in Japanese…"

As soon as Tobi recovered from the pit of despair (Zetsu thought he was overreacting just a tad), he trudged over to the book and looked at it curiously. "Oooh! It's written in English!" he exclaimed, picking it up in his gloved hands. "Tobi has only ever seen English books on TV!" He squinted at the letters written on the front cover. "'Magic for Dummies'…"

Zetsu blinked at him. "You learned a language that doesn't technically exist? **Why?"**

"Because Tobi's a good boy!"

"**How does that explain anything?"**

Tobi shrugged and plopped onto the ground. He opened the book and began to read it. After all, as the old saying goes, 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade'. Or in Tobi's case, 'when life gives you something potentially dangerous, learn how to use it, and then show everyone you and love and hope they don't die'.

This is when Zetsu made his second mistake. He should've took the book away from him before he brutally (but unintentionally) murdered them all. But oh know. Like everyone else in Akatsuki, he underestimated Tobi's intelligence and let him read it. He thought Tobi wouldn't be able to learn how to perform the magic tricks, since he didn't manage to summon a _butterfly _corrected. Simple as that, right?

* * *

Zetsu was right. Tobi wasn't able to correctly learn how to perform the magic tricks. But that didn't stop him from trying, it didn't stop him from throwing his own magic show and it certainly didn't stop him from stuffing Hidan into a pink cocktail dress. Currently, the new 'magician' and his 'lovely assistant' were backstage. And by back stage, I mean on the opposite side of the shower curtain he set up in the living room to be used as a stage.

The other members were on the other side of it, staring at the blue material with rubber ducks on it as they waited. Many of them didn't really want to be there, but Zetsu threatened to eat whoever didn't show. However, some of them, such as Kakuzu and Deidara, had mainly showed to see Hidan's embarrassment on having to wear a sparkly dress.

The sofa was used as bleachers to watch the performance. Pein, Kakuzu and Kisame had occupied it respectively, while Konan and Deidara sat in front of them. Sasori sat on the arm rest next to the Leader, Zetsu half sticking out of the floor next to him. Itachi had stolen a chair from the kitchen and sat next to Kisame.

Much to the impatient puppet's pleasure, Tobi was quite punctual and the show began exactly when it was supposed to.

There were a few arguments on the other side of the curtain, which was resolved by Tobi pushing Hidan in front of his audience. The Jashinist merely crossed his arms and glared at anyone who laughed or wolf whistled. In his head, however, he was wondering why this was the second time that Tobi managed to get him into a dress.

"Presenting Tobi the Good." he said tonelessly before stomping off back stage. His action was in vain as Tobi dragged him along as he pushed through the curtain dramatically. The star of the show was dressed for the part. He wore his usual attire, but ditched the green scarf in favour of a red and black cape. A black top hat was on top of his orange masked head.

"Good Evening Amegakure!" he greeted the audience, waving his arms above his head. Konan and Kisame applauded him and cheered, while the others clapped quietly to be polite. Except for Deidara, who merely stared at him while he tried to shake off the feeling of foreboding he got every time Tobi had a new idea that involved him in some way. He called them his Tobi senses and they were tingling like mad. Not good.

"Tobi the good is a good magician and he has plenty of tricks to show his friends!" he began and lifted the hat of his head. He placed the accessory on the small table he had set up earlier and reached into his pocket to pull out… a carrot.

"Tobi's first trick is to pull a rabbit out of this hat!" he announced and bent over it. He waved the vegetable over the opening as he cooed to it. "Here little bunny~! Come and get the nice juicy carrot~! Little bunny~! Come to Tobi~!" he continued to chant at the hat for another thirty seconds, while his audience just sent glances at each other. Frowning, he turned to Hidan. "Hidako? Where is the little bunny?"

"Sacrificed it."

"You killed poor little Bugsy?"

"Hey!" Hidan said sharply, pointing a finger and the masked magician. "The bstard was looking at me like it was f*cking better than me! It deserved everything it f*cking got!"

"_Hidako~_?" Kakuzu called up to the cross dresser on the 'stage', smirking at the name Tobi had dubbed his assistant. "The rabbit was right. It is better than you."

"Oh who f*cking cares about your opinion anyway?"

"Hidako! A lady doesn't swear at her audience!" Tobi scolded him, wagging a gloved finger at him. He turned to his colleagues on the couch and bowed, apologising for his not-so-lovely assistant's behaviour. He grabbed the top hat and placed it on top of his head, completing his look. "For Tobi the Good's next trick, Tobi is going to need a volunteer from the audience!"

Deidara sunk to the floor a little, automatically dreading that his 'kohai' would pick him. Tobi nearly always did. Luckily for him, Konan came to his rescue and stuck up her hand and waved it around volunteering.

"The beautiful lady in the front row~!" Tobi said, gesturing for Konan to join him on 'stage'. The only woman in Akatsuki (unless you count Hidan in drag) stood up from where she had sat to join the magician and his not-so-lovely assistant.

Tobi dug his hands into his cloak pocket and produced a deck of cards. He began to shuffle the deck, (which proved difficult to do while wearing gloves), mixing the cards as best as he could. He splayed them out, making as many of them visible as possible before holding them out to his volunteer. "Pick a card! Any card!" he instructed her.

Konan plucked one from the middle and looked at it. "And now memorise it and show it to the audience!" he told her. Tobi covered his eyehole with his free hand as Konan flipped the card around to show her colleagues. Once she done that, Tobi uncovered his eye and then held the remaining deck of cards to his forehead.

"Is your care the… ace of diamonds?"

"Nope."

"The Queen of hearts?"

"Nuh uh."

"The five of spades?"

"Try again~!"

"The… um… joker?"

"No, it's a coupon to Pizza Hut."

"I'll take that!" Kakuzu piped up, snapping the paper from Konan and stuffing it into his own pocket.

Tobi's shoulders sagged, disappointed that another of his tricks didn't work out. But, an idea popped into his head, making his grin behind his mask. "Never fear! Tobi the Good's next trick will be his best one yet! Hidako," he said, turning to the Jashinist. "It's time for the big finale!"

"The big finale?" Hidan repeated, scrunching his face up in confusion. "What the f*ck is the big finale?" Tobi hadn't mentioned it to him earlier, which made him worry quite a bit. It was bound to be something big, life threatening and will most definitely go wrong.

"Tobi the Good is going to saw a person in half!"

* * *

Where Tobi had got the equipment to perform this magic trick, Hidan will never know. All he knew was he was inside the box thing, waiting for Tobi to saw him in half. The Jashinist had never been gladder that he was immortal more than he did now. If his previous tricks were anything to go by, this was going to go wrong, so very very wrong.

The audience was watching curiously as Tobi examined his saw and the box Hidan was in, trying to remind himself what exactly he was supposed to do. The brainier bunch of the Akatsuki had concluded that the worst that could go wrong would be that Hidan would be sawed in half and Kakuzu would have to sow him back together.

Once again, Tobi had been underestimated.

As soon as the masked magician remembered what to do, he put the saw in place and began cutting through the wood. The audience watched with apprehension, waiting for Tobi to miss something crucial and mess up. Hidan kept his eyes shut tight, anxiously waiting for the sharp tool to cut through his mid section. But the pain never came.

"Tada~!" Tobi sang, pushing the now two parts of Hidan apart, showing that he was in fact, cut in half. Curiously, Hidan wiggled his toes and was surprised to see that he could in fact, wiggle his toes. In the audience, meanwhile, Itachi activated his sharingan, checking to see if this was a genjutsu. It wasn't. The small crowd applauded Tobi, quite impressed that he had pulled it off. Even Deidara had reluctantly clapped for his annoying colleague.

Not finished his trick yet, Tobi pressed the boxes against each other and lifted up the lids. Hidan sat up in the box and examined himself before hopping out. He even (much to Konan's pleasure) lifted up his dress to see if there was cut where the sword should've gone through. There wasn't.

"TOBI DID IT!" Tobi exclaimed happily, throwing his hands above his head. However, he forgot the saw was still in his hand when he did this and accidently through the tool behind him. The saw hit the shower curtain which fell back into the lit (despite it being July) fireplace behind them.

The shower curtain, they discovered, may have been waterproof, but it was still highly flammable. The curtain was quick to catch fire, much to the room's surprise. After a few cries of 'Holy f*ck', 'Tobi-baka, un', and 'get me away from that I'm highly flammable,' from various members, Kisame and Pein burst into action. The Kiri nin unleashed water jutsus onto the ever growing fire, as the leader grabbed the fire extinguisher from the closet and began spraying the white foam on top of it.

The smoke alarm began to beep and the sprinklers on the roof began to do their job. Between the fire safety equipment, Kisame and Pein, the fire was out in no time at all. Luckily, nobody got hurt. Except for Konan, who immediately left the room to blow herself with her hairdryer before she melted into a pile of mush.

Everyone turned to look at the magician. Some of the glared, some of the sighed exasperated, some of them just held a deadpan look. Tobi laughed.

"Heh heh oops?"

Magic shows were held outside from that day on, along with Deidara's 'firework' displays that Tobi got a teaser for a few moments after the Ame fire brigade arrived.

* * *

**A/n:**

**And then they all lived happily ever after. Until the letter 'N' of course. ;)**

**Despite popular belief, I do not support a cross dressing Hidan. He just seems to come out like that. Pun unintended.**

**On another note, I have the remaining letters picked out (except 'U'… Dammit U…) so here's hoping it won't take too long to pump out the rest of the chapters! Maybe. Who knows?**

**And lastly, as always, THANK YOU so much for all the reviews, alerts and favourites. You guys deserve to win the internet. Oh yeah. **


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